Trying to Make Sense of It All

Eddie Gammill, BA, MSN, RN
Manager of Wellness Programs
Faculty Staff Assistance Program

What would you like to say about your experience with grief?
The first thing that comes to mind is that even with all of the kind of preparation that I might have had, based on experience or expertise, nothing could have prepared me for the death of my brother, Blake. The way that my brother died was very tragic – he was shot and killed in the line of duty. Those things that you think make sense don’t make sense around grief, and trying to apply logic to grief does not work – it didn’t work for me.

One of the lessons I learned through the process is that, the pain does not get better – however the spaces between the pains get further apart. My normal habits to try to cope with this were not enough. I didn’t have all the tools to deal with something so far beyond normal.

To me it was logical to think that your grandparents will die before you do, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. My brother was only 30. I’m nine years older than my brother. Having grandparents die when I was younger – that all made sense. But again, that sort of logic does not apply. And a tragic death is even more different. He was in the line of duty as a deputy for the sheriff’s department on the SWAT team, and died a hero, and that’s very unique.

The tragedy of someone 30 years old, with two young children – a three year old and a one year old – it really is quite tragic, and the fact is, it is now part of me and my family.

In the police world, we are called “police survivors,” and that’s a title I was not expecting and still have some difficulty holding.  One very difficult thing I discovered was that I had a fair amount of shame associated with this, but I think it was the shame of being so sad.

The other thing I learned is that it doesn’t go away as quickly as I had hoped. Some people think that you will be over it in two weeks or three weeks, but it never goes away. Being a survivor also means that you sometimes relive the grief through historic and celebratory events; there may be a memorial for my brother, there are honorary motorcycle rides, it was a great honor for my family and I to attend the National Police Survivors event in Washington D.C. and meet the President the year after Blake died. It was a unique experience to be around other survivors and hear these equally tragic, and sometimes more horrific stories. I didn’t want to attend at first. I didn’t want to be around people just like me. It simply hurt too much. I wanted to let it go, and not talk about it.

I also discovered we’re not on the same healing timetable, and we all approach grief very differently. Your normal may not be their normal. And all the experience I had, as someone who helps others with grief and my background in emergency medicine, is not transferrable.

What is one thing you wish people knew and understood about grief?
It doesn’t go away. Even with the healing process around work, life and other things, it’s always with you.  My brother’s death on February 24, 2005 changed my life and my family’s lives forever. It is something that I will carry around with me forever; it is a part of my fabric. When I see things about handguns, or a police car drive by, or I see a memorial sticker for my brother, I am forever reminded. I may not talk about it, but it is something that is with me always.

How did you know when it was time to access additional support?
Sometimes I didn’t, sometimes I did. I knew that there would be periods of sadness; I just didn’t quite realize how that would look – like being sad for days, or literally blindsiding me. A fellow survivor told me to be careful – it could consume you. I decided to seek therapy, and asked what is normal and what is not normal. I felt like this was beyond my normal coping strategies. But it’s also helped to talk to other people who have experienced grief. I have this little book about surviving grief, and I still haven’t made it all the way through.

I know the journey is not finished. Sometimes my family and I don’t talk about, but sometimes we do. It’s complicated, and yet, sometimes it’s very simple.

If you know someone struggling with grief, how would you advise them to know when to access additional support?
If you don’t know, then go. You’re not the only one, and you won’t be the only one. Your normal coping strategies are probably not enough, and you might get stuck. Go see someone! What you’re going through isn’t normal, so get help from somebody. Someone can listen to you and hear where you are – and because sometimes, where you are changes.

What do you do on a daily basis to maintain your mind and spirit on a daily basis?
I physically take care of myself every single day by working out – it’s my form of meditation. I see a therapist regularly to help me. I’m proud of my own journey, of where I am, and my ability to cope. Sometimes I get stuck, but it’s nice to address it.

What can we do as a community to reduce the stigma of mental health and mental wellness?
I think we should support people without judgment. These types of things are hard to understand, and hard to address. We as a society need to be more supportive, more understanding, and recognize that someone we love is going through these things, whether a friend, a colleague or a family member.

We should remember that people are intricate creatures. We go through life very busy, but we can’t take for granted the complexity of mental health and the things they are going through. It is reassuring that the human spirit and mind can withstand and survive a great deal in this very complicated, wonderful world.